Mind the Politeness Gap

 Living in Japan, it's highlighted for me every day that there is a large gap between the Western standard for politeness and the Japanese. A gaping chasm, really. Japanese society, having evolved over hundreds of years towards a very structured and hierarchical state of organization, takes politeness and formality very seriously. This is most likely a remnant of the time, not so long ago, when hurt feelings could result in a samurai sword through the midriff. Understandable, but difficult to adapt to sometimes, especially for those of us who tend toward bluntness, and who generally don't like to sugar-coat anything. This typically describes Westerners, but I've known my share of Japanese who find this aspect of their own culture a bit grating. 

 As someone who came from a Catholic school, where the standards were wearing uniforms, attending masses, and a “kill-them-with-kindness” approach, I came to rebel against this, and to detest excessive formality. To me, it rang of a certain...insincerity, and I came to appreciate and admire people who simply spoke their minds. If we're talking role models, think George Carlin, or more recently, Christopher Hitchens. Whether people like them or not, most of us find contrarians simply more interesting, and for good reason. They articulate the things that many of us think, but censor ourselves from saying out of concern for how others might perceive us. In this way, they keep public dialogue from becoming too stilted and one-sided, and because open dialogue is the backbone of any democracy, they are critical to ensuring democracies thrive. Sometimes feelings may be bruised, but this is the price we pay for our freedoms. 

 I should clarify at this point that I am indeed aware that consideration of others is a fundamental building block upon which successful societies are built; I'm not advocating rudeness. However, where I draw the line is in taking this too far, in the vain and even counter-productive hope that you may always avoid hurting anyone's feelings. A very apt term that I've heard describe this is the “disease to please”. While it's generally a good idea to be a decent human being, spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about what others think of you is not only tiring, but ultimately futile, as there is really very little you can do about it. Despite whatever precautions you may take, there will always be someone who insists on taking offence, and so I generally find it best for my own personal sanity to save my energy for more productive pursuits than handling everyone with kid gloves. It's not that I don't care, it's that I care too much about people to humor them when they're wrong. It's this aspect of my personality that often causes me to bite my tongue until it bleeds in Japan. 

 I'm certainly willing to admit that often Western civilization could stand to learn a lot from the Japanese. It can be, at times, a little too blunt, bordering on crudity or thoughtlessness, and this is the other extreme to be avoided. Once, Ghandi was asked what he thought of Western civilization, and he replied “I think it would be a very good idea.” He had a point – sometimes calling the West civilized does seem a bit of a stretch. I believe that there is a happy middle ground to be reached, and perhaps this is why I've worked so hard to help build bridges between our respective cultures. The most important thing, I think, is to get to the truth, and to attempt to honestly answer whatever questions we collectively face. Western countries are (usually) quite good at this, but in the public sphere (especially lately) we would do well to remember that we are all in this together, and this notion is one that the Japanese truly understand. I am a staunch admirer of the mutually supportive nature of every Japanese community, and I believe that Western culture can learn a lot from this example. 

 Politeness and formality do have their place, but they must not prevent important questions from being asked, even if these questions are sometimes uncomfortable. I hope that as the world becomes increasingly inter-connected, as it has continued to become at an ever-increasing pace, we can also learn from one another, and find a middle road that draws from the best of every culture.